John's Jargon: 10th Edition

John’s Jargon

From Professional Wrestling to Baseball and Everything In-Between

Hell in a Cell Pay-Per-View Review

By John Napolitano

        

            Emanating out of Dallas, Texas on October 26^th was the fifth annual Hell in a Cell Pay-Per-View event, which surprisingly did not disappoint. The Hell in a Cell Pay-Per-View has been historically disenchanting as we are smack dab in the middle of the PG Era, where raping, pillaging, and plundering in the cell structure does not jive with the squeamish parents tentatively allowing their children to watch the product. Take away the blood, the unprotected chair shots, and 30-foot free-falls, and the Hell in a Cell match becomes a very tame concept. In fact, ‘tame’ is the adjective I would use to describe just about every Hell in a Cell match since the Undertaker and Edge tore the house down at SummerSlam 2008. Albeit, it does not help that the greatest Hell in a Cell match of all time was only the third installment at King of the Ring 1998, featuring the Undertaker and Mankind, who had an utterly irreproducible showing, but I digress. Seeing as though it is virtually impossible to recreate the magic that the Undertaker and Mankind managed 16 years ago, I would say that Hell in a Cell 2014, as a whole put up a valiant effort.   

            The night opened with a thrilling 2 out of 3 falls match between the Intercontinental Champion, Dolph Ziggler and the “Swiss Superman,” Cesaro. I thought this was a great way to open the card; these two technicians are masters of the ring and it shows in their bouts. I do grow wearisome of the misdirection, or lack thereof for these two stallions. They are both great stickmen and can more than carry a match in that 20-foot by 20-foot squared-circle. I was relieved to see Ziggler retain the strap, but his promos, in-ring work, and reign as champion is essentially meaningless if he is not given a creative direction. I know Cesaro is more than ready for that proverbial push to the top, so one can only hope that his loss last night will allow him to show-off his skills in a fresh, new program.

            The Bella’s bout followed the Intercontinental Championship match in what was an effort to reinvigorate a stale program between the two sisters. The match was salvageable at best with a very predictable finish, but this match acted as the perfect buffer between two fast-paced matches. Overall, I am content with the Divas division right now and pleased that they are getting any television time at all.

            Michael Cole dubbed the contest between the Usos and Goldust and Stardust, the “Clash of the Clans.” Although this rivalry has certainly seen better days, and this match was not their best, these two teams have earned a pass as they are constantly being called upon to carry the card with their high-flying brand of entertainment. I have yet to witness a match starring Jimmy and Jey Uso this year that I have not enjoyed, and this match was no different. I am so proud of how far they have come and I know there will be many more tag-team championship reigns ahead of them. As far as Goldust and Stardust, as much as I am beginning to enjoy their new personas, I really hope that this run leads to a Cody Rhodes vs. Goldust match at WrestleMania XXXI. This concept has been teased for years, and I think now is as good as a time as any to deliver.

            The most bulbous blemish on the Hell in a Cell card was John Cena vs. Randy Orton inside the cell structure. Not only was this a recycled match from the inaugural Hell in a Cell Pay-Per-View main event, but it is a match that we have seen countless times over the better half of 12 years and have no apparent reason to become emotionally invested because it is a match we will see over the better half of the next 12 years. These two incredibly gifted workers lack any and all in-ring chemistry and failed to so much as excite me once throughout this “snoozefest.” The matchup might as well have been in the ball pit of the local Chuck-E-Cheeze as there were zero cell spots or any spot to reinforce the idea that the Hell in a Cell is a dangerous environment. As usual in John Cena bouts, signature maneuvers were being hit within the first five minutes and finishing moves were being undersold left and right.

There was a spot where Orton hit Cena with an RKO in the middle of the “Five Moves of Doom” sequence. Keep in mind that the RKO is move that has put tougher men than Cena down for the count. Usually, when a finishing move is hit in the middle of match, the striker has the obligation to protect the finish. Whether it be catching his breath before going for the pin, going for an unorthodox cover, or hitting the maneuver close to the ropes where his opponent can break the count. Randy Orton hit said RKO, rushed to cover John Cena, tightly hooked his leg in the middle of the ring, and John Cena kicked out at two like Randy Orton put him down with a press slam. I am sure you can see the utter lack of logic in this as I did.

On top of this despicable debauchery, John Cena won the bout and we are in store for yet another Brock Lesnar vs. John Cena match for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. This was undoubtedly the nadir of the show.

We were then delighted to a harmless bout between Sheamus and The Miz for the United States Championship. The highlight of the match was seeing Damien Mizdow take every bump The Miz took in the ring, outside of the ring. Sheamus once again retained the gold, much to my chagrin. I do not see the value in Sheamus being United States Champion that higher management sees, but they are the professionals. I would like to see Sheamus turn heel in the very near future and potentially a program between The Miz and Damien Sandow.

Next, AJ Lee and Paige continued the subsequent chapter of their rivalry for the Divas Championship. There was nothing exhilarating about this contest, and the program as a whole has lost a lot of weight with this viewer. It was nice to finally see retention of the strap between these two Divas as they have been trading victories all year. My hope is for AJ Lee to move on and take on a new challenger for her Divas Championship, while Paige and Alicia Fox mix it up for the foreseeable future.

Finally, we reached the crown jewel of the card, and that was Seth Rollins vs. Dean Ambrose inside the Hell in a Cell structure. This contest was the one everyone was spending their hard-earned money to see, and these two studs did not disappoint. They started on top of the cell, traded blows, fell off of the cell, feigned a no-finish, battled into the cell, and actually made the match seem like the demonic structure that it is, and not some play pen for John Cena and Randy Orton to no-sell their most effective maneuvers. This match told a story while maintaining a hardcore realism. The cherry on top of this sadistic sundae was when Bray Wyatt appeared in the ring to attack Dean Ambrose and give Seth Rollins the victory. Not only does this protect Dean Ambrose in defeat, but also it hits the reset button for the WWE Universe, and we finally get a fresh new rivalry in Dean Ambrose and Bray Wyatt.

Overall, I would rate this Hell in a Cell Pay-Per-View a solid 6! It accomplished what it set out to do. No one was expecting a five-star night, but it certainly paved the way for the “Road to WrestleMania.”

Hofstra Wrestling Looks Toward Second Season in EIWA

Originally written for the Hofstra Chronicle

By John Napolitano

     Former two-time NCAA Division I National Championship qualifier and new head coach of the Hofstra wrestling team, Dennis Papadatos, looks to work hard, develop new talent, and parley the team’s determination and optimism into a run for a spot in the national tournament. 

In the transition from last season to this season, the Hofstra Wrestling Team bid farewell to seven key veterans of the squad in David Heitman, Jermaine John, Cam Tessari, Zeal McGrew, Jamie Franco, Luke Vaith and Joe Booth.

     Eight accomplished freshmen have since joined the team, but there is a considerable loss of experience in this transaction. “There is a huge toll in overall experience on the team. Not only are we losing six or seven veterans, but three or four of them were ranked Top 15 in the nation,” explained coach Papadatos.

     The three most notable losses were Vaith, Booth and Franco, who went a combined 87-32 last year. The trio had plenty of NCAA tournament experience between them, with 10 total NCAA qualifications.

     Despite the disadvantages that come with losing three great wrestlers, Papadatos said that there are some positives in this changing of the guard. “The departing seniors learned a lot from the old regime,” he explained. “I have the opportunity to teach different things to all of these young, moldable minds.”

     The newest warriors on the Hofstra wrestling team include Cory Damiana, Bryan Damon, Bobby Fehr, Aaron Hartman, Connor Muli, Michael Oxley, Travis Passaro and Demetrius Zissimos. 

When asked how the team looks as a whole thus far, coach Papadatos commented, “We just finished our pre-season so it’s hard to tell this early, but we definitely have a lot of talent.”

     The Pride is going to need to utilize every ounce of that talent in order to compete this season, as they have extremely tough competitors. Lehigh University, Sacred Heart University, Columbia University and Princeton University, to name a few, are all out to curb the progress of the Pride.

The matches will be especially challenging considering it has been years since the Pride has gone up against a number of these teams, but Papadatos assured that would not be an issue.

“I know teams like Lehigh and Sacred Heart very well, that’s my job,” Papadatos said. “In fact, I’ve recruited most of their players over the years.”

     When asked about his game plan for each respective opponent, Papadatos said, “We’re not going to change our approach for each match; we will prepare, but the game plan will not change.”

Some of the Pride’s standout returnees include Jamel Hudson, Cody Rugirello and Jahlani Callender. Both players are promising red-shirt sophomores with potential to emerge as leaders of the Pride’s relatively inexperienced roster. After struggling in the Eastern intercollegiate wrestling association (EIWA) last year, Papadatos hopes to return to prominence as one of the NCAA’s most successful programs.

     Coach Papadatos is proud to be a part of the wrestling team’s rich history. His plan for his the Pride this year is to expand capabilities, finish in the top three of the EIWA, and ultimately secure a spot in this year’s national tournament.

Graham & John: The Boo'Kings'

Graham & John: The Boo‘Kings’

A Rattlesnake’s Scorn

By Graham Mirmina and John Napolitano

           

            All wrestling fans fantasize about what could have been or what could be inside the confines of the squared circle, whether they're realistic or not. When the current Creative Team fails to intrigue us as an audience, we ask ourselves, "What if we were the bookers?" We then take it upon ourselves to plan out storylines, feuds, matches and more the way we think they'd make sense; the way fans want to see it happen. In this multi-part series, Graham "GSM" Matthews and John Napolitano, collectively known as The Boo'Kings', take complete creative control of WWE and do some "beast booking" of their own. In this edition, they break down how they'd like to see Stone Cold Steve Austin's in-ring return executed and everything else that would come along with it.

June 13, 2011. The night Stone Cold Steve Austin was last seen on an episode of Raw. He was fresh off hosting the revival of Tough Enough and granting the competition's winner Andy Leavine a contract (I still wholeheartedly believe Luke Robinson should have won, but I digress). He also booked that night's main event: then-WWE Champion John Cena vs. CM Punk, a match that would set the stage for one of the biggest WWE feuds in years. Beforehand, Austin appeared in a backstage segment with Punk, a man he had never crossed paths with prior to this point (and no, Punk calling out Stone Cold on the disappointing 800th episode of Raw doesn't count). The two had a fun verbal exchange, planting the seeds for a dream match that would never come to fruition. Until now.

In the last three years, Stone Cold has made only one appearance on WWE TV, that being at WrestleMania 30 alongside two fellow legends in The Rock and Hulk Hogan. But not on Raw. Stone Cold has yet to confirm or deny the rumors of him returning to the ring one last time, and as it turns out, they're true! Austin is indeed coming back to compete at WrestleMania 32 on his home turf of Dallas, Texas, the same location he was inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame over WrestleMania 25 weekend in 2009. It's one night removed from WrestleMania 31, and Austin has been confirmed to appear on Raw for the first time in nearly four years. By this point, it is very well known that Austin is set to announce his intentions to wrestle again at 'Mania the following year. But the real question is, against whom?

            It is 10:53 p.m. and the WWE Universe explodes with vigorous and passionate awe as the sound of glass shattering fills the arena and so too does a famous attitudinal guitar rift. Stone Cold Steve Austin emerges from ‘Gorilla’ all business, clad in faded blue jeans and a brand new leather jacket. It is clear that he hasn’t returned for a pointless plug or a putrid publicity promenade; no, he is here to stomp mud holes and walk them dry. The “Texas Rattlesnake” grabs a microphone and cuts off both his entrance music and the adulation from the adoring fans. He begins to rant about how sick he is of hearing that John Cena, according to Michael Cole, is the greatest WWE Champion of all time, seeing as the now 16-time champ won the strap the night before at WrestleMania XXXI. He proceeds to demand that Michael Cole come in the ring for some one on one time with the rattlesnake. Michael Cole hesitantly enters through the second rope, microphone in hand, and attempts to reason with the six-time WWE Champion. As Michael Cole approaches Austin, Austin embraces him with a stunner and the arena goes haywire. As the crowd continues its frenzy, Stone Cold grabs his microphone and demands that John Cena get down to the ring immediately.

            John Cena emerges to the biggest chorus of boos he has ever received in his entire career, but he is stern and intense with his eyes locked on Stone Cold Steve Austin. Austin does not even give Cena the respect of a silent entrance; he is verbally tearing Cena apart with each step Cena takes towards the ring, and it becomes apparent that Steve Austin is livid. As the WWE World Heavyweight Champion enters the ring, Stone Cold chirps that he’s disgusted at the notion of John Cena being the greatest WWE Champion of all time. He explains that winning that title 16 times means Cena lost it 16 times and there ain’t nothing great about that. Before Cena can remark, Austin reminds him that he’s no “Dwayne” and he refuses to wait a year to open a can of “whoop ass” on him. As the show goes off of the air, Austin finishes, “And you can bet your ass you’re gonna get beat for a 17^th time,” and he slams the mic into Cena’s chest as he exits the ring.

One week later on Raw, Cena comes out to the ring in Cleveland, lacking any intensity whatsoever. After a few untimely punch lines and undesired humor, he develops a serious tone when announcing that Stone Cold Steve Austin is not in the building tonight, causing the crowd to uproar with disappointment. They weren't booing because they resented Stone Cold, but because they were looking forward to seeing him open up a can of whoop ass on the Cenation leader right then and there. Cena goes on to talk about how Steve Austin is a fair-weather superstar exactly like “Dwayne” in that he has become too “Hollywood” for the WWE. He wasn't back “for good,” he'd only show up when it was convenient for him.

            At that very moment, Stone Cold Steve Austin appears on the titantron to the delight of the WWE Universe. He immediately mocks John Cena's smirk and strongly advises him to wipe it off his face. Stone Cold goes on to explain that he has been rehabilitating an injury for quite some time now following another surgery on his right knee and wouldn't be allowed to engage in any physicality for the foreseeable future. Otherwise, he would have showed up in Cleveland that night in person to give him the beating of a lifetime. But then he makes a challenge. Austin announces that he will be medically cleared by SummerSlam in August, and proposes that he and Cena face off at the biggest party of the summer. Cena accepts the challenge, and the stage is set.

            Two weeks shy of the biggest party of the summer an unfortunate aggravation of Stone Cold Steve Austin’s knee occurs and the entire WWE Universe is disheartened to hear that he will not compete at SummerSlam against the WWE World Heavyweight Champion, John Cena. The COO of the WWE, Triple H, attempts to right this wrong by announcing a Gold Rush Tournament at SummerSlam where the winner will contend for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship in the main event. Despite the magnitude of this announcement from the Authority, the WWE Universe is not exactly thrilled with the concept. The idea of seeing John Cena and Stone Cold Steve Austin do battle was one that casual and hardcore fans alike had their hearts set on. Nevertheless, Triple H announces the participants of this Gold Rush Tournament later that night including Sami Zayn, Dolph Ziggler, Dean Ambrose, Bray Wyatt, Seth Rollins, Roman Reigns, Kurt Angle, and CM Punk.

            SummerSlam has finally arrived and there is a disheartening atmosphere in New York as the WWE Universe was promised the match of a lifetime and given a tournament that seems almost rushed and thrown together at the last minute. The WWE Universe may not be witnessing Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. John Cena for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship, but they are damn sure getting an action-packed night of professional wrestling as the card is stacked from top to bottom with main event caliber matches at every turn.       

The night is kicked off with Sami Zayn squaring off with Dean Ambrose in a fast-paced 10-minute opener. Dean Ambrose would come out on top and face Dolph Ziggler, who just barely beat Bray Wyatt, in the semifinals. On the other end of the bracket, Roman Reigns would defeat the Olympic Gold Medalist Kurt Angle via count out and meet the “Best in the World,” CM Punk who put his first round opponent Seth Rollins to sleep in an all time classic match. The semifinals would see Dean Ambrose go over on Dolph Ziggler in a great 15-minute bout and CM Punk defeat Roman Reigns via disqualification. The finals of the Gold Rush Tournament would showcase Dean Ambrose vs. CM Punk with the winner going on to face the WWE World Heavyweight Champion only minutes later. Ten minutes into the clash, Roman Reigns would make his presence felt by spearing CM Punk when the referee’s back was turned and give Dean Ambrose the victory. The crowd did not appreciate Ambrose’s method of victory and they let him know it, but Ambrose would ignore their jeers and celebrate his newly acclaimed number one contention. The main event of SummerSlam would witness John Cena vs. Dean Ambrose for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship.

As John Cena and Dean Ambrose scratch and claw at one another, a familiar and highly unexpected sound of glass shattering rings throughout the arena and the WWE Universe screams in utter jubilation. Stone Cold Steve Austin is at SummerSlam and he is making his way down to the ring equipped with crutches for better mobility. Cena and Ambrose are too fatigued to take notice of this surprise visit from the “Texas Rattlesnake.” Ambrose goes to clothesline John Cena who ducks it and allows the referee to take the brunt of the bump. Almost instantly after the referee is knocked down, Austin throws Dean Ambrose a crutch, and Ambrose shatters it over the cranium of John Cena. Stone Cold shakes the referee awake, who then counts Cena’s shoulders to the mat one, two, three.

“The winner of the match, and NEW WWE World Heavyweight Champion, Dean Ambrose.”

The WWE Universe bellows a mixture of cheers and jeers towards the newly turned heel Dean Ambrose, but the cheers overtake the jeers when Stone Cold Steve Austin enters the ring and raises the new champ’s hand. Dean Ambrose has aligned himself with the ultimate antihero, Stone Cold Steve Austin.

The autumn months would witness John Cena attempt to regain his coveted WWE World Heavyweight Championship to no avail. Dean Ambrose paired with Stone Cold Steve Austin is just too awesome of a force to overcome for the 16-time world champion. His succession of failures would cause Cena to take time off from television and as Dean Ambrose’s legitimacy grows, Stone Cold too would begin to slowly fade off of television. That is, until one night after the 2016 Royal Rumble.

For the first time in months, Stone Cold Steve Austin was back on Monday Night Raw. The crowd’s reaction to his return was a little stale considering he had been frequenting WWE television all fall, but excitement was in the air nonetheless. Before Austin can even address the WWE Universe, the WWE World Heavyweight Champion, Dean Ambrose interrupts him with a clear resentment for his previous number one supporter. In Austin’s absence, Ambrose had gotten over as one of the biggest heels in WWE history. The WWE Universe genuinely despises him and it seems as though Stone Cold has created a monster. Ambrose grabs a microphone and begs the question,

“How could you leave me high and dry like that Steve? We were on the hottest runs of our careers and when the going got tough Steve Austin got going, like you always do! This place has been a circus for the last three months and you’ve been home bitching and moaning about your damn knee.”

“Hey Dean, good news! My knee’s all fixed!”

Stone Cold Steve Austin stuns Dean Ambrose in the middle of the ring and the crowd jumps up in perfect unison. Finally, the Steve Austin of old is back! But Steve Austin has unfinished business in the form of John Cena. The next week on Raw, John Cena calls out the “Texas Rattlesnake.” These two icons go nose to nose in the center of the ring and the perfect visual is created. Steve Austin admits that he respects John Cena and that he is one tough “S.O.B.” Cena appreciates the kind words and he has respect for Stone Cold Steve Austin too despite his actions at SummerSlam; but he’s not looking to mend the past, John Cena wants a match with the six-time WWE Champion at WrestleMania 32. Stone Cold gives Cena a quaint smirk and whispers, “You sure about that champ?” The two legends seal their fate with a handshake and for the first time ever in Dallas, Texas, at WrestleMania 32, the face of the Attitude Era and the face of the PG Era will clash in the biggest matchup in WWE History.

Who do you think would win at WrestleMania 32, Stone Cold Steve Austin or John Cena?

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